I got into my car and drove back to work, asking myself over and over what in the hell did that doctor just say. I was in utter shock. The timing was soooo wrong on so many levels, but that is a whole book in itself. I pulled into my parking lot, sat in my car and smoked a cigarette as I called my OBGYN. I scheduled an appointment, expecting to wait a few weeks but because of my history, I was placed on hold only to be told to come now. No, no, no... I will just go into my office and call back telling them I got held up and can't come today. I walked into my office, where only myself, my best friend of four years and one other lady worked, white as a ghost. I immediately told Jennifer what was going on and she politely in her lovely way told me to either get my ass in my car and go to my doctor or she would call our boss right now and take me herself. So you can only guess what happened next.

  I found myself sitting in the waiting room of my doctor, who we will call only Dr. C for now, with a million questions running through my head. As I went to the back, tears began to fall down my face. I was scared to say the least. I quickly got in the back and was asked for a urine sample to confirm pregnancy. I was so aggravated as I literally just took a urine test at the doctors office three hours prior and had just peed before I came in the back. Ughh... drip drip drip, the sink splattered. I splashed cold water on my face, ran my hand under hot water and finally I can use the cup. 

  I quickly went back to my room, slipped on that gaudy, uncomfortable paper gown, grabbed a paper blanket and sat in the quiet, just waiting to be violated, as most of you know exactly what I mean. Dr. C finally comes in and tells me it is good to see me again. I just wanted to throw something at him and tell him that I was not happy to see him, but I just smiled and said you too. Then began the million and one questions about what has changed in a year, the lectures on smoking, the usage of vitamins, starting the weekly lab tests to check the titter levels. You see the thing is, I am scared beyond any words of pregnancy. My oldest son is the only normal pregnancy, normal delivery I have and will ever have had.

   After I separated and later went on to divorce Cameron's father in 2011, I got into a very awkward relationship with someone that was very toxic for every reason you could imagine. He was perfect in my eyes, despite everything evil, cruel and emotionally hurtful that he did, I still let him come and go into my life as he pleased. September 2010, scared and, barely on my feet, living with a roommate in a two bed room apartment with myself, my young son, her and her dog, I found out I was pregnant. I was excited but scared because I knew without a doubt, I would face life alone with the father no where in site. The hateful texts, the phone calls, the threats began, but I ignored it and accepted what was. October 4, 2011, I had my very first ultrasound with the same doctor, Dr. C. It was then I was informed I was 7.3 weeks pregnant with twins. Oh boy, that is a shock for sure. I told only a few people, as I had no desire to communicate with their father. They were mine, they were loved and I would figure out life, just me, Cameron and the babies. I immediately began to pray for a boy and girl. If I had to have two, why not have one of each lol. Despite the hate I had at the moment for their dad, I prayed they would look like him, as he was gorgeous in every single way, but he was an utter ass to say the least. But despite those thoughts, my doctor had concerns.. Concerns that I never could really grasp and was like okay, I understand. My HCG levels for twins should have been well over 400 if not more at the time, yet they were a mere 102. He stated that was alarming and wanted to repeat blood draws in 4 to 5 days tops. I went back the following Monday, October 11th to only be told my levels dropped to 52, that it was inevitable, I would miscarry. His concern now was no longer viability but whether or not I would pass the sacs on my own or require a D&C. I left with three prescriptions by my own choice to jump start "my period," in hopes of avoiding the procedure. As I drove home, tears filled my eyes but a small amount of relief flooded me. I would not have to raise 3 children alone!  A statement that would later come back to haunt me a million times over. October 15th, 2011, I woke up at 2am pouring sweat and in the most awful pain ever. I went to the bathroom to discover blood had consumed me. As I sat on the toilet, the bowl became overtaken with red and I heard an odd sound, like a small splash right after a very sharp pain. As I looked down, I realized I had in fact passed the first sac. I was scared to get up, scared to cry in fear of waking Jami up. I was alone in our small bathroom until I heard the sounds of her dog wimpering at the door. I was in too much pain and didn't want to move but just the thought of not being alone in the quiet of the night, I opened the door to let Reggie in. As he sat at my feet whinning, I began to cry silently, covering my mouth with Jami's favorite Bud light pants (shh, don't tell her, she may hurt me for that) and petting Reggie's head, the second sac passed. I sat for what seemed like hours, finally making my way to the shower after flushing what should have been my precious twins. I cried in the shower until my eyes burned, got out, washed my face with a hot rag, ran to my bedroom and quickly closed the door. My son was at his grandmothers for the night, so I was able to cut on the light and begin to throw away the reminder of what was.... 

  Not long after, I met my now husband, Brandon. We were both in rocky places in our lives. I was in the final stages of my divorce, trying to find a place of my own for Cameron and I, trying to find the right career and restart life altogether. We rushed into a relationship 

Chapter 1: One Fish, Two Fish, Blue Fish, New Fish


Roman's Wings of Hope

   I remember it like it was yesterday, January 2014, it was the last time we really had cold weather during winter in South Louisiana. I was working for a pilot program for the local government. I was going through a rough time at work, as I had lost two clients at the hands of someone else, my work load was increasing, yet my pay was horrible and there were no medical benefits, vacation days, sick days, ect. I was worn out, exhausted and sick with migraines for days on end. my sugar levels would flex between dropping so low that I would pass out or become dizzy I couldn't stand or would spike so high that no amount of water could take the thirst away. But there was no time to be sick. I had a one year old and six year old at home who needed me. I had a fiancee who worked from sun up to sun down too so we could have our dream wedding set for April 2014. We had weekly soccer practices, games on Saturdays and sometimes Sundays too, bills to pay, all while trying to find just one day a week to have family time. 

   Finally, relief came in the form of medical insurance through Medicaid as I did not have the option for insurance through work and was desperate. I was embarrassed to say the least but desperate, even if it was just for a short time. I got approved quickly and received a card within a week. I scheduled a visit to a nearby doctor that accepted Medicaid. If you are familiar with the insurance then you know damn well that the doctor choice is very limited and the care is very quick nine times out of ten. So I prepared myself to get brushed off quickly and the possibility of no answers. But on January 17, 2014, I got an answer I was not prepared for... Congratulations you are pregnant! A gestation due date was done with a referral/confirmation of pregnancy written to bring to my OBGYN. My heart stopped..... NO way, this was not real, I was not ready for another baby especially with everything else going on. Ready or not.... Baby number 3 is on the way.